Crapshoot: The worst-named game ever made

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the cube to carry random difficult to understand video games again into the sunshine. This week, we are conserving out for a hero. Sorry, wait. We are conserving our palms over our mouths to steer clear of hurting his emotions via sniggering too loudly.

In a not-too-distant long run, an international oppressed via the shadow of Terrorism cried out for its saviour. And the counter-terrorism task-force identified simplest as HELL listened. Its highest scientists accumulated and cast a plan. They made a prototype warrior; the primary of many in a position to doing what no mere flesh and blood guy ever may just. They made him sturdy. They made him heroic. They made him a residing god.

They made one mistake. They named him Bert Higgins.

Bert Higgins: The Man From HELL

We would possibly by no means know what satisfied the forces of HELL to create a cyborg in a position to disabling entire armies of hardened terrorists just by pronouncing his identify. Who wishes a machine-gun when simply the ones 3 syllables—which you simply know can be grunted in an Arnie voice—may just result in criminals and hostages alike collapsing into the similar pool of hysterical laughter and almost certainly a little bit little bit of pee. There is not any going again from that. Who cares if the day is stored if even the mayor cannot stay a instantly face whilst handing the hero his medals afterwards?

And it isn’t like this can be a small subject. Names have energy. Simply consider one of the vital maximum maximum badass quotes in film historical past if the Hollywood studio gadget was once run via the promoting geniuses who concept the general public would really feel comforted via having an organisation known as HELL staring at over them.

“Now you already know why they name me ‘Grimy Cuthbert’. Each and every grimy task that comes alongside.”

“I’m Ripper… Tearer… Slasher… Gouger. I’m the Enamel within the Darkness, the Talons within the Night time. Mine is Power… and Lust… and Energy! I AM NIGEL!”

“I shall go away you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity within the middle of a lifeless planet…buried alive. Buried alive.”

“FEATHERSTONEHAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!”

“Do you are expecting me to speak?”

“No, Mr. Fart, I be expecting you to die.”

After all, in the true international, you have to give the creators some credit score. Bert Higgins: The Guy From HELL is also within the operating for the stupidest identify ever, however you are by no means, ever going to put out of your mind it, are you? Even if you find yourself mendacity on your death-bed, optimistically a minimum of many months from now, there will be a minimum of one mobile of gray subject recalling that at one level you changed into conscious that this recreation existed and that it was once actual. That is relatively an success, even in an international with Tongue of the Fatman.

Briefly, sure, it is an epic, epic failure. But in addition a bit of of a good fortune. This was once an indie recreation having a look to get some consideration, and it wasn’t more likely to do it with superb motion or photorealistic graphics. If it wasn’t known as… neatly… this, wouldn’t it ever have got a assessment within the esteemed PC Layout, even a teeny-tiny one on the again that stated to not trouble getting it? More than likely now not. On the very least, it will get bonus issues for its identify being very, very planned, which is greater than you’ll be able to say for a definite Nintendo DS recreation known as—in fact no kidding—Faceez.

Regardless of its foolish identify, Bert Higgins is a deeply po-faced shooter, spiced up via inadvertently humorous messages like “Because of your incompetence, too many hostages had been killed. This has been an embarrassing day for the BERT venture.” It is exhausting to not stay imagining the deficient damned souls again in HELL slumped at their terminals, looking to figure out the place all of it went incorrect. The day they came upon their careers had been now within the palms of a cyborg known as Bert Higgins, almost certainly.

As without equal weapon, Bert Higgins certainly lives as much as his identify. Sadly, as I can have discussed a couple of times, his identify is Bert Higgins. He can punch a terrorist’s center out via every other terrorist’s again with little drawback, however that does not assist a lot when stated terrorists have introduced alongside robotic spiders and about 5 goons for each and every hostage. What little ammo you get is spent very, very rapid, enemies are invisible if you happen to shouldn’t have line-of-sight on them, and they are able to kill deficient Bert Higgins with little or no rite even on common issue. It will assist if the controls incorporated the facility to attempt in 360 levels with the mouse whilst shifting with the keys, however they do not, so it does not.

I put the blame for Bert’s uselessness on HELL, whose coaching leaves a lot to be desired. Bert’s ultimate check begins with a really perfect demonstration of ways a lot they price intelligence and initiative. He has to flee from an absolutely sealed room and not using a provides and no help… aside from for the door key sitting a couple of steps away on his desk. A case for Jonathan Creek this isn’t. Subtlety then is going totally out of the window to get replaced via gunning down a village filled with guards with a shotgun that appears to be the use of are living ammo. On the very least, if you happen to die, the sport merely ends with out you ever studying that your entire lifestyles is a part of a conspiracy to blah blah, who cares.

No, in point of fact. I am an enormous recommend of tale in video games, however I draw the road at changing into emotionally invested in a personality known as Bert Higgins. And I have performed the Area Quest video games. what Area Quest’s love passion is known as? Ambassador Beatrice Wankmeister. After Bert Higgins, that is not anything.

K. So it is nearly not anything.

Bert Higgins: The Guy From HELL by no means were given a large liberate again within the day. I find out about it as a result of that PC Layout assessment I discussed, however did not in reality get to play it for a excellent whilst longer. You’ll be able to despite the fact that. On account of looking to monitor down a replica for this very column, considered one of its creators made up our minds the time had after all come to claim it abandonware. You’ll be able to obtain the entire thing from the Web Archive, and it runs simply tremendous within the mighty DOSBox with none technical fiddling.

Is it value taking part in? No longer in point of fact, aside from for one level that should not be forgotten. Via doing so, you’ll be able to at all times have the ability to say you will have performed a recreation known as Bert Higgins: The Guy From HELL, and who may just put a worth on that? I may just, and it will be £50,000. However it is Mort and co’s recreation, and they have long past with unfastened as a substitute. They are clearly nicer/extra beneficiant/extra grounded if truth be told than I’m.

One minor level, despite the fact that. I do wish to temporarily explain a remark made via some of the creators of Bert Higgins, lest one of the vital different video games I personal get the incorrect concept. Whilst it is completely proper that this column is not only about lynching crap video games, let it by no means be forgotten that lynching at all times stays an choice!

No longer this time despite the fact that. With Bert, I am simply glad to after all have proof his recreation exists, so no person can ever once more accuse me of simply making it up. Except in fact, this has all been a dream…

Just one technique to to find out, is not there?

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