Each week for the 16 1/2 years I’ve been Empress, I take the fellow as a right. What a treasure.
And sure, sure, dears, you’re all treasures too. Having a particularly treasury month, Rob Cohen has now received his 3rd and fourth Invite contests within the house of 3 weeks. His concept of a horde of distressed other people swimming to the wasteland island — “Trump received!” — used to be Bob’s overwhelming favourite; he known as it “sensible” and mentioned it truly can be a New Yorker cool animated film. The win plus an honorable point out this week, the “Mt. Everest” signal at the island, give him 90 blots of ink all-time.
2nd position is going to Mike Gips and his GPS within the wasteland, advising, “In 375 miles, move slowly proper.” There have been different Waze jokes, however “move slowly proper” used to be the important thing. This and a funny story about an eye-rolling Empress brings his ink general to 270 since Mike began Inviting again in 2003. (See under about his new Taste Invitational podcast, “You’re Invited.”) Meteoric Rookie Steve Smith takes 3rd together with his Covid-Delicate Dracula-at-the-bar funny story, whilst Greg Dobbins takes fourth with the barkeep asking Putin to “identify your poison.” (Bob didn’t wish to draw Putin as a result of he didn’t wish to lodge to heavy-handed labeling to make it transparent who he used to be.)
(Do you know that Bob sells his Invitational sketches and completed artwork? He has a unique web page on his web page for Invite other people to touch him and order a cool animated film: bobstaake.com/si . They’re all the time in black-and-white as a result of he does the coloring in his historical model of Photoshop.)
What Doug dug: Ace Replica Editor Doug Norwood tells me he particularly loved this week’s contest, and who am I to doubt him? For faves he singled out the runner-up by means of Greg Dobbins’s Putin funny story, in conjunction with Jeff Shirley’s guy at the island sobbing because the “The best way to Tango” e book washing up at the seaside; Robyn Carlson’s priest getting into the bar and announcing “Simply when I sought after to stroll in on my own”; the psychiatrist diagnosing the rabbi, priest and minister, all sitting at the sofa, as being within the mistaken cool animated film (equivalent entries by means of Jeff Shirley and Jon Gearhart); and Mike Gips’s cool animated film with the Empress because the therapist advising a man in a dunce cap.
Beggaring description: An unprintable: Right here’s one who others may love however I couldn’t, from Kevin Dopart for the wasteland environment: “Draw a Circle of relatives Circus parody of Billy’s wandering dashed trail — this time with a Billy skeleton on the finish of the trail’. Caption: ‘Daddy has the week off, so Dolly fills in and resolves her primogeniture problems.’” Name me a snowflake, however I will’t deal with jokes (no less than ones which can be in any respect graphic) about useless kids. I may just by no means have labored for Nationwide Lampoon.
‘You’re Invited’ podcast Episode 2: Chris Doyle tells how he does it
Did you catch final week’s premiere episode of the podcast about The Taste Invitational? Host Mike Gips interviews me for part an hour. It’s a number of amusing. However WAY higher is Episode 2 of “You’re Invited,” which dropped, as we trying-to-be-current codgers say, this previous Tuesday. And that’s as a result of Mike spends the entire episode speaking with the Invite’s maximum a success Loser by means of a long way, Chris Doyle — Chris Doyle of the two,244 blots of Invite ink, together with a daft 59 first-place wins.
In an interesting voice that also betrays a little of his New England roots, Chris touches on quite a lot of subjects and dish, a few of what used to be information to me:
— I knew that Chris were a mainstay the New York Mag Festival, the muse for the Invite, till that contest folded in 2000 and he started coming into the Invitational in earnest. I did now not know that he’d gotten much more ink in that contest than he has within the Invite! And for the reason that NY Magazine had a one-entry-per-contest restrict … neatly, he explains to Mike how he made that paintings. I additionally didn’t know that the competition’s retiring editor, Mary Ann Madden, had requested Chris to take it over. (Thankfully for us, he declined.)
— Are you getting your entries in combination for Week 1400, our foal names contest? Chris tells how he is taking at the ponies annually. (Systematically.)
— Chris, who’s been retired for a few years and now lives within the Dallas space, displays on his wide-ranging musical tastes, obvious in his Invite parodies starting from old-timey tunes to nation ballads to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok.”
— He tells about his two long-term round-the-world voyages together with his spouse, all the way through which he’d ship in his Invitational entries from whichever port the town would have some Web cafe all the way through the early days of Ye Olde Knowledge Superhighway. And the time once they had been on a ferry between the islands of New Zealand, and it used to be foggy, and that week’s Invite requested you to make use of a telephone e book …
— He gives his Secret to Numerous Ink. It does now not contain bribes. Typically.
Chris is so vigorous in his interview with Mike, so a lot more than I used to be. And Mike himself continues to invite pleasant questions that stay the dialog flowing. He additionally reads his favourite entries from the previous week’s contest, which final week had been the “ha-”- phrase limericks. (Gary Crockett, get ready to blush.)
What you So, so may you ink: This week’s funny story haiku contest
This week’s contest, Week 1401, used to be instructed by means of Longtime Loser (and final week’s winner) Melissa Balmain, who’d simply printed a haiku by means of L.A. comedy author Paul Lander as a topical “Poem of the Week” from Gentle, the web poetry magazine she edits. She shared it to the Taste Invitational Devotees Fb crew, commenting, “Imaginable germ of an Invite concept?” Dang, it’s the entire bundle. Paul’s “How Scorching Is It?” haiku — “It’s so sizzling that/ my iPhone now qualifies/ as a Baked Apple” — was the instance for the competition, thereby giving Paul his first blot of Invite ink in a competition that, till the day gone by after I contacted him, he didn’t know existed.
I used to be making an allowance for widening the scope of the competition to any one-liner funny story have compatibility into haiku shape, however then figured that the majority any of the entries that we’ve run in our a lot of haiku contests through the years may well be termed jokes. So we’re going with the “X is so Y” kind.
Sure, it’s possible you’ll range the wording. So long as we now have the “so” concept, we’re just right.
We’ve had two superb “so” funny story contests through the years, 24 years aside. One among them used to be one of the crucial Invitational’s first actual contests: Week 21 in 1993. Listed here are the effects, starting with the Czar rolling his eyes at some previous chestnuts that had been submitted in conjunction with the contemporary stuff. Then, as now, topical humor used to be an effective way to get ink. After all, these kind of run greater than 17 syllables, however you’ll be able to’t reuse those jokes anyway.
Record from Week 21, by which you had been requested to explain issues via So-So comparability. “Ross Perot is so atypical, it’s mentioned that once he used to be born they threw away the infant and raised the placenta.” A perfect funny story, when it used to be first carried out to Tiny Tim in 1968. And: “George Burns is so previous that once he used to be born the Useless Sea used to be simply in poor health.” This used to be firstly mentioned about George Bernard Shaw, who died in 1950. Honest caution: Someday, in case you serve us chestnuts, we can roast you.
5th Runner-Up: Donald Trump is so hectic that Amnesty World needs him crushed and locked up. (Tom Gearty, Washington)
Fourth Runner-Up: D.C. streets are so badly maintained they have got extra potholes than Jerry Garcia’s settee. (Robin D. Grove, Washington)
3rd Runner-Up: The Mississippi River has been so competitive, it’s now being known as the Msissippi. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling)
2nd Runner-Up: Joe McGinniss is so authentic he merits to win the Taste Invitational, Ted Kennedy idea to himself. (Tom Jedele, Laurel) [This was a dig at the author’s nasty 1993 book about the senator, which included lots of presumable mind-reading.]
First Runner-Up: Invoice Clinton has won such a lot weight that I-495 has been renamed the Sansabeltway. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) [Sabourin went on to become half of the cult-favorite comedy song duo Paul and Storm]
And the winner of the Mortimer Snerd Ventriloquist’s Dummy: Jack Kent Cooke is so litigious that I’m now not going to complete this idea. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) [Cooke was the owner of what’s now named the Washington Football Team; I don’t remember what this entry might be alluding to in particular, but in 1993 he was going through divorce litigation as well as trying to bill the state of Virginia millions for his efforts in trying to get the team moved there from Washington; it eventually ended up in Maryland in what was initially called Jack Kent Cooke Stadium.]
The White Space workforce is so younger that the most typical query on Air Power One is, “Are we there but?” (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The White Space workforce is so younger they have got to put in writing house once they pass to Camp David. (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington)
The White Space workforce is so green that it hasn’t ever “been” with some other workforce. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Spike Lee is so determined for a crossover hit that he’s filming “Dennis the Risk II Society.” (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Saddam Hussein is so evil he should cross an ethics check to get into Hell. (Leonard Osterman, Potomac)
Mayor Kelly is so delicate to sexual harassment that she refuses to just accept mail addressed to “The Hon. Sharon Pratt Kelly” as a result of she is nobody’s “hon.” (Carol V. Strachan, Silver Spring)
Washington streets have such a lot of potholes, it’s like using over an enormous, abandoned Whack-a-Mole recreation. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
Don King has such a lot static in his hair, he electrocutes any person who give him a noogie. (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield)
The White Home is so stuffed with Arkansans they’re reducing crescent moons within the restroom doorways. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville)
Ross Perot is so paranoid his theories are laughed at by means of Oliver Stone. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt)
[Maryland] Gov. Schaefer is so petty that he had “43” painted on his limo. (Greg Griswold, Falls Church) [I’m a weensy bit surprised that the Bronx-born Czar got this reference.]
The Haft circle of relatives is so dysfunctional that Herbert offered the circle of relatives tree to Crown Books for pulp. (Christopher P. Nicholson, Arlington) [The very rich and flamboyant Haft family, whose various members owned D.C.’s Dart Drug and Crown Books, were constantly warring.]
Dan Quayle is so dumb. (Chris Rooney, Reston)
And Ultimate: The Taste Invitational is so common that the following Splendid Courtroom justice will probably be selected at the foundation of “humor and originality.” (Al Toner, Arlington)
And Least: The Taste Invitational is so humorous I forgot to giggle. (Tony Buckley, Washington)
And a quarter-century later (lower than two months after the inauguration of you-know-who) …
AND ‘SO’ WIT WAS WRITTEN: REPORT FROM WEEK 1215
In Week 1215 the Empress sought one-liners of the shape “X is so Y that …” As soon as once more, she didn’t inform the Loser Group to sling gibes at our president, however as soon as once more, the ones are what most commonly had been slung, large league. In all probability a dozen entries presented that Trump is so self-centered that he idea the music used to be about him.
4th position: The Trump White Home is so brazen, it’s providing international donors an evening within the Putin Bed room. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
third position: My pal from Weight Watchers is so aggressive that she all the time halves what I’m halving. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
2d position and the toilet-shaped mug: Donald Trump’s fingers are so tiny, the ladies he grabs don’t even understand. (Brian Allgar, Paris)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: My chiropractor is so unscrupulous, he fees Paul Ryan the similar worth as individuals who have backbones. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
So shut, but up to now: honorable mentions
“The Bachelor” is so fastened, it should be known as “The Gelding.” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
Kellyanne Conway’s been so quiet in recent years that Richard Simmons is calling what’s took place to her. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
President Trump’s pores and skin tone is so atypical, not anything rhymes with it. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
John McCain is this kind of daring, independent-thinking maverick, he complains about Trump’s nominees earlier than balloting for them. (Duncan Stevens)
Political correctness has gotten so out of regulate that the final time I ordered French toast at a diner, a millennial on the subsequent desk jumped up and began screaming, “Cultural appropriation! Cultural appropriation!” (Tom Witte, Sir Bernard Law Village, Md.)
Donald Trump is so nice. #totallyriggedStyleInvitationalclaimsIbroketherules #aftereverythingIvedoneforthePost #suchanastyempress (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
The gang used to be so large at Trump’s inauguration that the Park Police regarded as putting in place a 2nd Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)
Kim Jong Un is so paranoid that his meals taster has a meals taster. (John O’Byrne, Dublin)
The united states’s legal professionals had been getting such a lot love for his or her lend a hand preventing the immigration ban, cabbies are giving them unfastened rides to chase ambulances. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Mitch McConnell is this kind of unfavorable man that his bobblehead shakes its head no. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)
The insult used to be so trivial that even @realDonaldTrump wouldn’t reply to it. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
The film used to be so terrible that everybody within the theater stopped texting to look at in disbelief. (Hildy Zampella)
Trump is so out of form, he will get drained in conversations with international officers simply urgent their buttons. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.)
Donald Trump is so reckless he requested Kim Jong Un to pick out him up on the airport. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)
Canadians are so offended about Trump’s commute ban, they’re asking courteously that it’s repealed. (Mark Raffman)
Donald Trump is such a clumsy fascist, he can’t even make Metro run on time. (Mark Raffman)
The Previous Girl within the Shoe had such a lot of youngsters, she needed to discover ways to multi-tsk. (Chris Doyle)
President Trump is so self-absorbed, he thinks the phrase “meme” has two syllables. (Jesse Frankovich)
Chuck Norris is so difficult, his bathe flooring is strewn with Legos. (Chris Doyle)
The Democrats had been so close out of the governing procedure, they’re writing letters to their congressmen. (Dan Helming)
The suspect’s rap sheet used to be see you later that the police needed to print it at the again of a CVS receipt. (Hildy Zampella)
Children are so ungenerous at the present time that mine all the time need me to pay them again each time I borrow a pair hundred bucks for beer and cigarettes. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)
Fb is so polluted with political vitriol that my buddies who voted for Trump and RUINED OUR COUNTRY (HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW) don’t even be aware of my posts anymore. (Mark Raffman)
Donald Trump’s fingers are so massive that his pores and skin has to stretch truly skinny to hide them. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)
Betty White is so previous that once she says she noticed “Hamilton,” she noticed Hamilton. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
Your Mama’s been used such a lot that even this contest doesn’t wish to contact her. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Keira Knightley is so skinny, she may just cross as Monday’s Washington Submit. (Kevin Dopart)
The Taste Invitational’s readership is produced from other people so nitpicky that they’ve already mentally corrected the primary a part of this sentence to “composed of.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
And Ultimate: The Empress is so purpose that she reads entries with a blindfold on. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.)